I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
