No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
