Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
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