i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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