if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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