1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Let's get the cat blown out
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
