Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
