he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
