I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
