I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
