i think my tv is drunk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
