I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
