I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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