"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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