ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize