What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
