I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So vagazzling was a success
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
