The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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