420 ftw
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
