my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
