DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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