What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
