I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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