you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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