Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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