Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
