His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
