Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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