rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
