I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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