I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
