I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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