i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its liver damage thursday
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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