at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
