just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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