connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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