Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
