I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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