so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
