i think i have two assholes
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize