I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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