i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
