There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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