Banned from zoo.
Again?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
