I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize