ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
