guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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