im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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