i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
