i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
