how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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