saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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