Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
