did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize