My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
