He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
