just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
