Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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