K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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