How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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